Attack of the Killer SoySauce
by LookIt'saProngs
Summary: A nonsense, oneshot story about what happens when Lily leaves James and Sirius alone to put the groceries away. Inspired by a true story. Cowritten with PerfectlySirius.


Title: Attack of the Killer Soy-Sauce

Authors: PerfectlySirius and LookIt'sAProngs

Disclaimer: We simply could not say we own Harry Potter, because that would be a downright lie, and we are much too honest and truthful to _ever_ lie! Angelic grins It all belongs to J.K. Rowling.

Rating: PG

"Boogily—gah—goo! Oggle, noodle! Bah—nesnic! Ooh, la, bee!"

"Um . . . Sirius?" said James slowly. He diverted his attention from the road for a second to peer into the rearview mirror. "What are you doing?"

"Why, talking to the baby, of course." Sirius said with a grin. He was seated beside Harry and had spent the past half hour making the baby laugh hysterically with long strings of slurrish sounds that couldn't possibly be words.

"Yes, but what are you _saying_ to the boy?" James questioned. He was quite used to his wife speaking to Harry in some sort of secret language he called Baby-Babble, but after hearing 'Bah—nesnic' James had to intervene.

"Secret things," Sirius said slyly. "About you, James."

James rolled his eyes and placed his full attention back onto the road and his driving. But, sadly, after a pause, someone spoke.

"'Bah—nesnic' can be a word if we want it to be, James." Lily said vaguely. "True, I've never used it before, but Harry seems to like it."

"I know it can be a word, dear." James retorted crossly. It had been a very long day. "And you're not exactly helping things."

Lily couldn't help it; she snorted.

"James, darling, relax. I know you don't like going to the store, but there's no reason to snap."

"I didn't snap, darn it!" he half shouted. Hearing his fathers raised tones caused Harry to give a startled cry from the back seat. Sirius glared at his friend.

"James," he said sternly. "You broke him."

With another roll of his eyes, James made the turn onto his drive.

He put the car into park and got out of the car. He opened the side door to unbuckle his son, but there was no need; Sirius gently shoved Harry into James' face crying, "Here he is! The best baby ever! And he wants you to hold him!"

"Thank you, Sirius," James said gruffly and took his son into his arms. Harry's face brightened and he giggled at James, who was pondering how remarkably alike he and Harry looked. Especially the hair. Even at six months, Harry's head was covered in poofy and messy black hair. One of the only differences in their appearances was the amazingly bright green eyes Harry had inherited from Lily.

"It's all right!" Lily, clearly annoyed, called from the front steps to the Potter's home. She was laden with no less than five heavily packed shopping bags and was staggering as she climbed up the steps. "I'm only just recovering from having a baby, you know!"

"Lils," Sirius tried to be reasonable, "you've been pulling that one for half a year; I think you're alright now. But nonetheless—" he added as Lily shot him a piercing glare. "I'll help you anyway."

"I'll just take Harry, then." James attempted as Sirius balanced three bags in his arms.

"Oh no you won't, James Potter!" Lily called as she entered the house. "You'll carry more than that!"

"You lose, Prongs," Sirius stuck out his tongue and hastened inside.

"Drat, foiled again . . ."

"Put that in the cupboard over the sink, would you, dear?" Lily said breathlessly the moment James entered the kitchen. He had taken his time for a reason.

"Sure . . ."

James was in the process of balancing Harry on one knee while attempting to put away a stubborn bag of corn chips when Lily swore.

"Augh!" she exclaimed. "I've forgotten it _again_!"

"What?" Sirius asked. "The baby's right here."

Lily glowered. "That was not funny, and I told you not to bring it up again."

"Sure thing, Lils." He was grinning again.

"I've forgotten the bloody nappies!" she angrily said while viciously forcing a carton of milk into the refrigerator. "Now I have to go _back_ to the store and get them!"

"Oh yeah, the diapers are pretty important;" Sirius nudged James in the chest. "James still hasn't gotten that problem sorted out, eh?"

"Shut up, Sirius!" he said, still fighting the chips. "Why are you even here, anyway?"

"Helping." shrugged Sirius.

"Great . . . Want us to go get them, Lily?" James asked kindly.

But Lily was already out the door, grumbling.

As the car pulled out of the drive, James handed Harry to Sirius, knowing he'd probably regret it later, and told him to put Harry in the Bouncer on the table. The two returned to their task of unloading all the groceries. It was a very tedious chore, or . . . at least it was to them.

"Hey, James," Sirius said mischievously, breaking the silence. "Betcha five Galleons you can't chug this whole bottle o' soy sauce."

"What?" James craned his neck and saw Sirius flaunting around an alarmingly large jug of, yes, soy-sauce. Sirius was grinning like a fool. Which he was being, at the moment.

"You want me," James laughed, "to chug that whole thing?"

"Why, yes, Prongsie, I do believe I do."

"Alright," said James, abandoning the over-sink cupboard and quickly placing the corn chips into their new home that was the cupboard near the stove. It wasn't nearly so high up. Nor was it so filled with other things that, for some reason, didn't like the corn chips and rejected them. "I'll do it."

"Good man!" cried Sirius, clapping James on the back with his free hand.

"Bottle!" James ordered, holding out his left hand. Once he had the said bottle in his possession, James inhaled deeply and unscrewed the cap. He braced himself.

"Okay," Sirius breathed, way overly excited that he got his friend into drinking all this soy-sauce, a condiment he wasn't particularly fond of anyway. "On three. One . . . two . . . three!"

It all happened so fast. James brought the bottle to his mouth and took a big gulp. His eyes widened in horror. Crap, he'd forgotten how much he hated soy-sauce. Too late: The large mouthful of horrid sauce was already traveling down his esophagus, never to return. Well, that's a lie.

James coughed, sputtered, and choked. Sirius found himself unpleasantly covered in the brown, smelly liquid. The bottle dropped from James' hands and hit the floor, sauce shooting out and splattering the white ceiling. And the cupboard. And the fridge. And the stove. And . . . everything else within a ten-foot radius.

James and Sirius were both in shock, and it wasn't until baby Harry had laughed adorably—and loudly—that they moved at all.

Sirius was now, with great difficulty and not much success, trying not to laugh.

"Don't. You. _Dare_. Laugh." James warned.

It was just too much for him; Sirius burst into great gales of bark-like laughter. He doubled over and fell onto the soy-sauce-covered floor. Tears were streaming across his face.

"Sirius," James attempted. "This . . ." he snorted, "isn't funny!"

But it must have been, because James too found himself laughing hysterically on the floor. Soon, both men were soaked through in soy-sauce. Their clothes were defiantly stained.

And even though Harry didn't fully understand the situation, he was laughing just as much as the two grown men—if so they could be called at the moment—rolling about the floor. It was indeed a sight to see.

But, unfortunately, she had to be one of the first people to see it.

"JAMES POTTER!" Lily screamed in amazingly loud and high tones. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY KITCHEN!"

They weren't laughing anymore. Even Harry stopped laughing, while, again, he didn't fully understand what was taking place before him. His large eyes widened and stared intently at his mother.

"Um . . . H-hi, Lily dear . . ." James said as means of seeking out civil conversation. It was actually quite brave of him, considering the circumstances. He slowly picked himself up from the floor and faced his wife. His very, very, very angry wife. He winced. Yeah, she was pretty livid.

She was breathing very heavy and looked ready to kill. Not a good sign. When she opened her mouth, both James and Sirius cringed. But there was really no need; Lily spoke, though harsh, in a rather quite whisper,

"I cannot even begin to fathom a reason you two idiots would have for smearing—" she sniffed the air. "—_soy-sauce_ all over my kitchen. Why . . . who . . .?"

"Harry did it!" both men cried and pointed to Harry, causing him to giggle and drool again. Even the baby was covered in sauce.

"You are so immature! The both of you!" Lily shouted.

Harry began to fuss. Lily shot another glare at the two men and plucked Harry from the Bouncer, comforting him. She turned to Sirius and James, Sirius having just stood from the pool of soy-sauce.

"I am going to bring Harry upstairs to get him cleaned up," Lily said as if she was talking to kindergarteners. "In the meantime, you two are going to make this kitchen SPARKLE! It had _better_ be clean by the time we come back down." With that she stomped up the stairs, clutching Harry close.

Sirius and James gloomily pulled out buckets, sponges, and other various cleaning products. They didn't speak while they scrubbed and scraped the soy-sauce off the many surfaces in the kitchen.

Sirius grabbed the cracked jug of soy-sauce and made to put it in the rubbish bin. He paused.

"Hey . . . hey, James . . ."

"What?" James spat.

A smile crept up onto Sirius' face. He shook the jug, causing the dregs of the sauce to splash against the sides.

"James, I believe you owe me five Galleons."

FIN


End file.
